self-consciousness addictions mental disorder and spiritual experience


     When i was 14 years old i had 4 questions: 1:who AM I ?   2:why i can not feel that God or a high power exists 3: what is LOVE?  why i have to love others ? 4: is there free will? why i do things that i would like to avoid?.. Here in this following text i share few things that i have learned as i was seeking for answers.Please be patient with my english syntax  because i m not a native fluent English speaker and this text is simplifying the meanings of some neurobiological  functions as my purpose is that we all understand  factors that effect to our addictive attitudes.
                                                                                  We all have an animal brain and a thinking brain.Our animal brain wants pleasure here and now and to avoid pain here and now ... This animal brain is maladaptive to lifes uncertainty and complexity.  It only contains some automatic patterns of reactions, in order to motivate us when we need to make a fast decision without having the advantage of time to see what is the most wise thing to do. Another important issue with this animal brain is that it contains some defense tactics useful in a jungle environment (because you have a better chance to survive when you are not indecisive) but maladaptive for a  civilized world with higher spiritual prospects and challenges.   This has to do with a NUMB of consciousness when we are under the effect of danger ,fear, high Stress,agony  or anxiety . When an animal is captured by an other as victim ,brain opioids are numbing its  consciousness so it cannot feel the tragedy that is taken place for its existence. The primitive animal brain is responsible for this . We could see this instinctive function as an neurobiological expression of a divine providence.            But if we transfer this  function to our human life we  get  problems.Since life is complex  we have to react with wise and adaptive behavours.In a jungle we have two options run or fight but in our life here we have many options and challenges. We have people we need  and we can not communicate efficiently and have conflicts. So we need a variety of alternate  adaptive behavior skills different than fight or run to deal with them .Our thinking brain can take care of this.  The problem is that our animal brain is more fast and blocks our thinking brain with numbing endorphins and brain opioids.For example we have prepared our public speech and as far we are going to pronounse it fear deletes everything from our memory and we look the audience embarrassedly.In same way daily anxieties  refill  this numbness depriving us of the only tool we could use to manage our life in a wise way. And i mean our thinking brain.   Thins getting worse of the somatization of anxiety.When we feel anxiety and fear we constrict our muscles .Finally many of our chest ,stomach, neck ,head muscles are tight and numb blocking the flow of the power of life-chi- .Emotions are projected over the muscles and if muscles are numb this is like if you would like to project a film over a crumpled  projection  rug-you see no film -. By this i mean that somatization of anxiety is a final constant and very difficult to overcome  factor of losing our self-consciousness.When i use the term self-consciousness  i mean  a deep  feeling of our self as a separate unique existence alive in here and now , a sense that we are the sovereign consolidated core who has the control of our forces and observes in clarity and deep focus the creation with AWE and appreciation. This is impossible to happen in a  anesthetized blocked body,and most of us we did not have the chance to feel how life would be in a healthy relaxed conscious body. I would like to make clear here that primitive brain is different from that we call subconscious. In fact subconscious is that we usualy call in religion concepts " heart ". This heart can contain behavour patterns of our primitive brain or other maladaptive or adaptive patterns aswell that we got  through our experiences . We can cultivate this part of our self .Usualy we focus to a small part of the reality and this is practical .Our subconscious release us from hundred details which undertakes  leaving our conscious to  focus to more important or newer things.So it is important for us to cultivate  a wise subconscious  a wise "heart".
           Compare please with this statement that Christ made before 2000 years    "“But pay attention to yourselves that YOUR hearts never become WEIGHT  DOWN  with overeating and heavy drinking and ANXIETIES  of life" (LUKE 21:34)  With a weight down numb anesthetized heart and a disabled thinking brain we have everything we need to make our life unbearable.That equals to more PAIN.(Add please and the guilties and self rejection  as and the results of our irresponsibility to take care of our life ,lost relations, loneliness ,resentments and what else you can remember . The amount of pain we have to repulse is getting really tremendous. )..So we are trapped in a vicious circle of compulsive obsession to escape of emotional pain  .  We have two options now  1) escape of the increased pain  with new anesthetizing or doping tactics= addictions and following the primitive animal brain & 2) activating our thinking brain and take the control by finding adaptive solutions step by step, while we learn to bear the resentment of the things that cannot  change as fast as we would like. . When our primitive emotional defenses  are not enough to handle the increased pain we usually choose to experiment with new alchemies and detour the proper but more painful process.  (loll) .Here is taken place a birth of GREED . We seek for pleasures with greed, and we push our self to the edge in order to escape  in transmuted state of consciousness by using  alcohol ,drugs, overeating or by immigrating in artificial  virtual worlds (games) and enjoying fake successes overcoming the risk and the uncertainness of a frustrating real world .  -From my experiance we need also power given from God to get out of this vicious circle , but i will not make more comments curently on this even if it is  MORE IMPORTANT for our spiritual development      .-   I have  to notice that as  we grow up the animal brain gets an inventory of  maladaptive patterns,shapes of reaction that guide automatically our behavior  . These are named in psychology traps of life.This traps are activated from several triggers when he are not awake spiritually . Inflexible standards, perfectionism ,fear of failure,catastrophology and pessimism ,dependance to others or isolation are few of them..             I am Greek ..... a Greek famous rock  song says in the refrain  " I do not exist and here i am" .  This is the drama of loosing our valuable SELF  . Lots of us we grow up in life having  a deprive of self-consciousness as a result of this increased emotional numbness and an almost paralyzed lazy  thinking brain.A test we can make to see if we have self-consciousness is the test of AWE. Do we feel AWE  as we realize that we are alive here and now at this moment  in a vast universe? How often we feel AWE?This AWE is an enormous feeling of deep appreciation and admire while our  total  existence united observes in a deep concentrated spiritual clarity the creation .This is called the i-am-ness or the great I AM .It is no strange why God is calling him self -o ΩΝ- the ONE who IS - who exists- ,.Actually a great I AM feeling is emerging  when we are in that healthy awake clarity.But if we do not understand  this ,then we have to realize that we have a mental spiritual and emotional defection,a mental disorder.Mental disorder is the degree we are driven  inward, away from reality, away from love, lost inside ourselves, the degree we live in our fantastic inner world overwhelmed by our personal self-delusions ,the degree we are absent of reality ,the degree we do not EXIST  & -ARE NOT conscious-.
        .We are NUMB..anesthetized ...distracted....depersonalized.Yes we addicts probably never had the opportunity to have this amazing feeling of the healthy SELF-consciousness ,self-awareness.    Here we must be careful this is NOT a matter of how clever we are.  It is emotional intelligence.... some call it true spirituality                                                                              As i noticed when i was 14 years old i had 4 questions ! 1:who AM I ? (i had already lost my self in numbness in order not to suffer)  2:why i can not feel that god or a high power exists?(actually how could i feel if there is god while i could  not feel & have awareness of either MY self?) 3: what is LOVE? why i have to love others ? why i do not feel love and i have to pretend that i am polite and friendly  to them? why this can not  happen  by a natural physical way instead of pretending? (I often listen that is almost impossible for us to give an accurate definition of LOVE..... i would say that if a blind from his birth can understand what is color.....then and a frozen heart can give a definition for what is love without spiritual experience..awake ).love is understood only experientially ......The one who had the opportunity of experiencing  the pure ,awaken ,healthy existence  can say in awe ... I AM YOU..YOU ARE ME ..we are the same person  in DIFFERENTIATED SEPARATE  REPETITION .... we were both by mistake calling, feeling, and behaving to our differentiated  repetition as OTHER ,  even if it was only OUR SELF..This emerging awareness   would make this person mourn with every single cell of his  body  for the DIVISION ,ALIENATION and loneliness of those he was thinking as OTHERS but were always his self.....would cry for him self in all his separate forms ..and pray for his enemies !!!............(yes how i could feel others and that others were me and LOVE them as my self while i could not even feel in awe  my self? we have to BE in order to feel and then love)     4) Free will?        ...someone driven by a primitive brain and a disabled thinking brain? someone who has never been taught  how to cultivate the power of will ? someone who does not know that he has to EXERCISE THE MUSCLES OF WILL= (free will) ,step by step ,through even surrendering him self to PAIN for sort term if it is more proper or postpone and even deny   inappropriate pleasures in order to set him self truly free?...someone without strong solid FAITH and HOPE to a fair VISION or  a BASIC TRUST that UNIVERSE finally rewards every commitment we undertake  to do what is truly GOOD and avoid what is truly  BAD.........?.In next post i will say more about this issue .YES THERE IS FREE WILL BUT IT IS OPTIONAL WHETHER  WE CHOOSE TO UTILISE AND CULTIVATE IT..........