my spiritual experience.( from mild chronic depersonalization derealization disorder to awakened consciousness )

As i told      when I was 14 years old I had questions: who am I ?, why I can not feel that God or a high power exists , what is LOVE?
When I became 17 years old I started a diligent programme of reading holy scriptures with deep thoughts  meditation , praying to God and servicing other people according to the things I was learning from bible and doing  volunteer work. I was also applying a system of self control exercises to have my self in order that was accelerating my ability to discipline to my spiritual work. I was making this not because I was feeling it but as a test to God if he would reveal him self to me and if he would answer my questions. It was according to a verse that says "try -test- Me " . I did it in a good will spirit.       -  While I was in full time servicing God and people, i was slowly slowly becoming more pure and full of faith as I could see His help daily in many obvious for me ways. But one day   as I was serving and got into  a bus I became totally relaxed and in deep clarity and sanity and mental focus i for first time in my life felt alive in here and now ,at this moment in universe. I had a perfect 3 dimensional view of everything ,  i was feeling a clear separation between me and the other objects, i was the clean pure observant and the other things were existing there around me and that was so impressive. I felt deep AWE , i was feeling so perfect self control that i could move in a millisecond if someone was going to hit me , like if i was practising martial arts for decades..   -  When I came back at my home this was still there. I was observing in deep sanity the trees ,my hands and the hair of my body were standing up as deep awe and appreciation were making me feeling so consciously for first time that:1) I was existing 2) God exists 3) every one from animals to people I meet they are all me again and again in other forms. I was not 2 in 1 -i mean I was no more neurotic-like I was feeling before- I was One,.. A deep I am ness. I was feeling that this might be the state of consciousness that Christ had when he was in earth. I was bending down to my knees in deep awe and worshiping with tears of appreciation the creator God totally decided to use my self in servicing him and the other people who are my self in separate differentiated repetitions. I was feeling deep love unity and this was obvious to other people as I was talking to them for God because I had great empathy and faith and I was not neurotic but One. This kind of awakening spiritual experience continued less or more for about 5-6 years but as the exception of my daily state of consciousness and not as  the rule of how i was feeling   .  Unfortunately this was not something I could have for ever even I was trying allot.  I guess this happened because i had not the proper strong stable infrastructure as personality to keep it. In an other point of view it could be something that God gave to me as a free sample of the Real life we are waiting in order to give me a strong motive to change and to inform me as well  for the emotional, spiritual and mental defection that i had as i could not feel that there is high power even i had a lot of evidences that were persuading only my mind and not my heart too, and i could not feel less more in AWE my existence neither could feel love for others as i was in a neutral numb emotional  state . Finally I totally lost it and I started reading world religions and philosophy, physics and psychology to understand why the other people could not understand my experience and if this was common to some more people,and why i could not get back to that high state of consciousness .   I believe as holonic theory says that in order to have a perfect human we need 4 basic things, 1:i must be responsible and diligent to my spiritual  process  to build the proper infrastructure that can emerge the higher consciousness   2: the other people must do same- my work is not independent of their progress-     "system theory"   3: perfect , powerful and fair  government-for me only God's kingdom for which we pray in lords prayer to come in earth as it is  in heaven- 4: perfect science as we need accurate knowledge to cure every sick entity into our societies and bodies-i believe that only God has this science as the creator and it is not wise to ignore such a great inventory of wisdom in universe-This we can compare it with a table with four feet all important to keep balance . It is interesting also that in chaos and complexity theory there is a principle that says that: a complex system as increases its complexity there are more possibilities to fall in chaos with one exception :if the system is guided by a chaotic controller MORE COMPLICATED than  THE SYSTEM who can analyse the system and all the interactions in it and guide it in safety. I simple cannot find any one more able for such a huge responsibility  than the Creator   Core self   God.  My duty now is to prove my responsibility in spirituality and self development as the part of my contribution to these  4 principles i have referred of holonic theory , and also to be moderate by  not keeping self delusions as if  i had omnipotent will -this is called megalomaniac will of addicts- and as the 12 steps pray say to stand things I CANNOT CHANGE YET.      At least there is an inspiring future there waiting for us that worths our best efforts to get rid off  the most obstacles that we can which resist to our self development and  reach our higher consciousness  . I MADE PROGRESS TO THE POINT TO FEEL HAPPY BETWEEN PEOPLE BEING ABLE TO   HAVE A MODERATE ASSERTIVE POLITE BEHAVIOUR WHEN IT IS NECESSARY INSTEAD OF SWITCHING OFF MY FEELINGS OF FEAR , FRUSTRATION AND ANGER   WHEN THEY WERE HARASSING OR ABUSING ME  AS I WAS DOING BEFORE .  

 PART   2


                 Somebody told me that i did not have self control and suggested me a self control exercise.
I followed the advice and in one week i started having awakening experiences in daily basis.  i became capable to feel alive and have 3d clear vision and focus and empathy and faith-vision for life. 
   Even if the exercise is very drastic finally brought problems to me , because i was inexperienced and  burned my self out. Apparently i should try a more modest way to perform it . - i explain at the end of my post-. 
THE EXERCISE : here is a link of a book that is very close to what i was doing http://infositelinks...Master-Mind.pdf the purpose of the exersize is to become a dictator of your self the sovereign power in you, the master mind . When ever you want to do something that needs effort and is not easy there are inner conversations that try to persuade for the opposite so not to do it ....it is like your brain is a parliament where many other participants resist to yous decision and block it. SO YOU HAVE TO BECOME THE DICTATOR.    how ? :  FIND SOMETHING DIFFICULT WHICH IS ANNOYING TO DO BUT NOT SELF HARMING ( AND NOT ILLEGAL OF COURSE :) ) Find something that THERE IS NO REASON TO DO IT AND IMPOSE IT TO YOUR SELF TO DO IT. FOR EXAMPLE : you come tired from work and want to fall over the bed and rest....impose your self to dress again and go out walk 1 km and then rest....there is no reason to do it BUT IF YOU SUCCEED TO DO SOMETHING EVEN WHEN THERE IS NO REASON TO DO IT THEN YOU WILL HAVE MORE SELF CONTROL WHEN THERE IS A REASON TO DO SOMETHING AND YOU ARE AVOIDING IT . YOU WILL EXPERIENCE INCREASED POWER OF WILL WITH IMPACT TO YOUR FOCUS AND ATTENTION , CONCENTRATION ABILITY IN HERE AND NOW . I was doing cold water showers , stop eating something while just started eating it , imposing my self to stay unmovable still for a period of time 10 min lets say , not scratching an itching , when i was swept and a drop was falling my nose i was imposing my self not to wipe it and suffer the discomfort, controlling my desire to speak letting others to be the center of attention and similar crazy things. WHAT WAS THE IMPORTANT THING THAT THIS SELF CONTROL GAVE ME? I DEVELOPED AN ABILITY TO INHIBIT MY IMPULSES . IT WAS A NEW EXPERIENCE FOR ME BEING ABLE TO INHIBIT ANY DESIRE OR OBSESSION AS DICTATOR. .THE MAIN ANNOYING IMPULSE AND HABIT OF MOOD I HAD WAS A DEPERSONALISED NUMBNESS A LANGUOR OF MY SELF AND SENSES LIKE IF I WAS PROGRAMMED TO IMPULSIVELY BLOCK MY ABILITY TO FEEL IT. WITH THIS NEW TRAIT IN COMBINATION WITH STEP 5 - WHICH YOU WILL READ HERE IF YOU SCROLL DOWN -MY CORE AWAKE SELF EMERGED . 


2) I was awakening 5 oclock in the morning and making pray to god to help me to awake emotionally and spiritually and to be able to see with feelings and awareness . I was reading bible CONTEMPLATING AND VISUALISING IN MY imagination the stories as if i was there (with all of my senses ) trying to realise in here and now who i am NOW where i am NOW and when these events in the past took place, and how real would these events be that time under the sun and the moon over this earth if i was there . ( from what i read now i should adapt this early morning awakening to adequate 8 hours of sleep) also now i know that the power of will is a resource we have that is limited and dependent to our nervous system chemicals brain endorphins and is a specific lets say amount we have to use every day .....if we consume in one area lets say at our work a lot of restraint then the amount we have to use is limited in our relationships or in our other healthy lifestyle goals. So there is a need of modesty and prioritization to what is more important......plus the exercise of self control i was doing in unnecessary things by itself was not modest as it was consuming my resourses of self-control often to stupid things.....so even if i had 1000 % increase of power to restraint then suddenly i was run out of fuel creating bipolar disorder symptoms of energy swings and sadness ........So now i never do such exercises of unnecessary things ......even if this did work to help me at that time alot ....it was like a missile that took me out of earths gravity lets say


5) THIS WAS THE MOST POWERFUL THING I WAS DOING.....I WAS GOING OUT TO THE NATURE STANDING IN A ALERT BODY STANCE AND I WAS TRYING WITH COMBINATION OF PRAYING AND CONTEMPLATION TO BE AWARE THAT I AM HERE AND THE OBJECTS THERE IN FRONT OF ME AND I AM REAL AND I EXIST AND THE TREES ARE THERE AND ALL IS REAL......I WAS TRYING TO FOCUS IN THE FEELING OF MY SELF THE FEELING OF MY HANDS , FEET AND THE WHOLE BODY AS ONE IT WAS LIKE (AN EMBODIMENT EXERCISE ) REALISING MY SELF OVER THE EARTH UNDER THE MOON IN THIS MOMENT IN THE UNIVERSE ALIVE. i WAS REASSURING MY SELF : LOOK YOU EXIST TRY TO BE CONSCIOUS OF IT LOOK THE OBJECTS ARE THERE AND YOU HERE.. I AM HERE ALL WHAT I SEE IS THERE PLEASE GOD OPEN MY EYES SO TO BE ABLE TO REALLY SEE AND TO FEEL ALIVE. !!!!......AND OOPS THE MIRACLE WAS THERE A 3D SUPER VISION .... I WAS FEELING MY SELF AS ONE , I WAS PURE AWARENESS THE OBSERVER "I AM " AND THE OBJECTS AROUND ME SO CLEAR AND SEPARATE... I WAS ABLE TO FEEL IN AWE THAT GOD EXISTS AND DEEP EMPATHY FOR OTHERS FEELING THEM AND LOVE THEM AS MY SELF. I was falling down to my knees worshiping God with awe knowing that i was a small repetition of him and i was existing in all forms of life in a differentiated separate life scenario. I WAS THINKING : This is how Jesus was feeling .not that i was Jesus but that i was in a state of awareness that all i was reading he was saying had meaning to me for first time......this awareness was like feeling to be a god but not in a megalomaniac psychotic delirium condition but in a sober awakened consciousness knowing that you are HIS IMAGE.. - as bible writes -...so yes this is how you should feel and no depersonalisation and derealisation. The next day i woke up NUMB AGAIN....tried hard to do all and in the afternoon i was awake again....This pattern in and out repeated few weeks until i lost it for a while even if i was trying hard.... i had lead my self to fatigue...and depression.....and i was like being all my life in a dark cave with other people and i was able to come out and see the light and then to be again inside the cave depressed for i knew there was a real world out there and i could not stay there but i am trapped down here....The in and out continued for few years from my 18 to my 26 maybe but less intensively ...I ALSO WAS WONDERING ARE ALL PEOPLE DEAD ASLEEP AND I KNOW IT OR I WAS ONLY AND THEY ARE AWAKE..?....I MADE A HUGE RESEARCH FROM THAT POINT AND AFTER I REALISED THAT THE MOST PEOPLE ARE IN A NUMB STATE IN ONE WAY OR ANOTHER.MORE OR LESS ...AND I AM STILL SEARCHING. Though i am not full awake i leave a functional life , i love my wife a have a nice group of people that i socialise with and i have 2 kids in the age of 20.....my life has a purpose and is meaningful During the years i did a lot of work to let my self feel my fears my guilt and shame. I had 2 years of group therapy and 1.5 year of personal counseling for bipolar disorder II . I have read more than 1000 books during 30 years and 14 times bible......Now i like to walk in the forest and in the nature alone i pray alot pouring my heart out to God asking him to cure me with his spirit and i do have times of opening and deep focus, i dont take psychiatric medications but only NAC , L acetylcarnitine , B complex and Q10 and fish oils. Something that helps me allot is deep slow conscious breathings with full open mouth and head up and open chest in the forest.......it is rejuvenating me unblocking the locked stress in all facial and neck muscles and brings me into clarity and piece.

Now i do the self discipline exercises very thoroughly with modesty because it created a phenomenon of avalanche as i had intense increase of power of will that was leading me to exhaustion and fatigue .....when ever i was getting tired and could not impose my self a more and more strict discipline then i was in a all or nothing mind set , over-eating and watching tv too much etc. and losing my energy more and more and creating vicious circles of depression and then high self control / awakenings and back ...it was like creating a bipolar disorder in me. I try to be present in what ever feeling I have good or bad negative or painful and try to have on mind that escaping a painfull feeling is like killing my ability to feel positive feelings too. Even if I ocassionaly feel more disconnected I try to be there in that uncomfortable situation and do my commitments. So I have commitments of things I must do despite how I feel and even if I feel bad. The goal is to do this level of commitment even under the pressure of unpleasant feelings or pain. Though I do this with modesty. Is better someone to be alive dog than dead lion...or like Icarus was advised not to fly too high so the wax melt and lose his winds, neither to low near the sea and his wings get wet and fall.
And all of this in the mindset of Jesus who at the night of his suffering while he was in intense agony and swept as blood drops was falling of his forehead he advised..Be vigilant and always pray in order not to fall in temptation.....the temptation to sleep in the back seat let's say , and leave the chariot and the horses running uncontrollable